Alone Like Cold Snow
by LilAngelLady21
Summary: (Shounen-ai) My First attempt at it ever! So It's very mild... Wufei feels disillusioned in his new life without war and battling but an odd ally and rival steps in to get him back on track. I know it's a little late for Xmas stories! Gomen!


I know it's late! I'm sorry but I just got my computer back! So here it is, my fist ever shounen-ai fanfic that I wrote for a friend for Christmas. Hope everyone else likes it as much as she did! So she wanted a racy, angsty, fanfiction with Wufei. So this is what she gets! I took a comment she made to me about a song reminding her of two particular characters and well set this to a soundtrack of sorts because that seemed like something she'd get a kick out of. This is the first story like this that I've written. Sure I've written fanfiction but not quite like this. It was experimental and thus doesn't go to far. As promised I said no less than 5,000 words, the final count: 5,461. I don't own Gundam Wing or any characters contained therin. I also don't won any or the lyrics or bands featured in this story. F.Y.I. I know about Trowa and Catherine but work with me here! It fit for the story so oh well...

_**Alone Like Cold Snow**_

_**A Shounen-ai Christmas Fanfiction**_

After Colony 196 was a year of healing for everyone. The world had finally fallen into what appeared to be a lasting peace and people were at ease. The holiday season was upon people everywhere and a certain air of lightness and happiness was all around. But some people are immune to such an infectious feeling. These are the ones that are alone in the universe; they have no one to love or be loved by. They have no reason to be happy, they feel useless and without purpose or worth. For some it only comes during this time of year when they look around and see everything so perfect. For others, they look at themselves everyday and see nothing but the broken image that can never be just right. For these people, they are alone because they are worthless and know they are worthless; therefore, they don't pursue people and give off an aura so people won't pursue them. But is anyone ever really worthless? Sometimes you have to lose something of value to realize what worth really is…

Wufei stared mindlessly at his calendar for a minute before running a black marker through the box labeled the fifth. He turned away from it and dropped the marker carelessly on the dining table nearby; it rolled off onto the floor and he left it lay. The season of good will and cheer was then and now yet he felt now of either. Why should he? He stared out the window of his sterile white walled apartment and the bustling people below. They all at somewhere to go, someone to see when they got there. Him, is was all he had; a sterile white walled apartment in an obscure neighborhood of the colony he now called home. When watching the sea of people below became unbearable, he turned around and grabbed a jacket from the back of a dining chair and left. He didn't bother to lock the door. He was nothing of value and therefore owned nothing of value.

As he traveled through the crowded streets he looked around and realized just what it all meant. It had been almost a year since he had last fought and a year since he realized he had some other value than as a fighter. He hadn't seen any of the pilots since then and had no desire to seek them out. Until now; suddenly the compulsion to see one of them, any of them came over him so overwhelmingly that he couldn't understand it. He growled at himself and shook his head before turning around and pushing his way back towards his apartment.

"Forever thriving on a feeling no tomorrow/ Without a day of growing older I can defend/ The bridge I burn this time/ At constant odds with the hope that keeps me alive/ Keeps me alive

All that I promised to myself/ Another word misplaced tonight/ All that I'm holding in/ Why am I holding in?"

The day was growing late and the busy bustling people began to clear the streets. Alone and cold Wufei kept walking possessed with the fact that if he walked long enough he'd find that one thing. That one thing out there waiting for him that he good do. That one thing that would make him strong, good, and worthy of this life that refused to leave him. His days as a Preventer and given him little satisfaction in it's falsity. After the Mariemaia incident there had been no real threats to the peace. He hadn't atoned himself at all in his mind and felt empty once again. Somewhere in the last six months of his seclusion here he had lost something but he couldn't quite place what it was…

A car rushed past him and blew a flyer up against his leg. He reached down slowly and pulled it off. As he was about to crumple it and throw it in the trashcan one word caught his eye. "Circus?" He muttered smoothing the paper out and looking at it carefully. "Didn't Trowa work with the circus? I should go check it out. It wouldn't be bad to talk to him about old times…" He thought aloud as he crumpled up the paper and threw it in a nearby trashcan. He looked across the street at a young couple running down the sidewalk laughing as a light snow fell. For some reason it didn't give him as much pain as the sight had in the past. He smiled slightly as he walked through the door of the apartment building. Once he entered his room and closed the door he threw his jacket back where he had found and gazed at a half drank bottle of sake on the table. Instead of taking a drink like he usually would have, he shook his head and walked of towards his bedroom.

"Introducing Ladies and Gentlemen… The fearless Trowa Barton!" The ringmaster announced in a big booming voice. "Trowa will now perform his famous, death-defying high wire act!" Wufei sat up a little more in his seat as he gazed up at the platform his former comrade now stood on. Even from across the tent he could tell that it was the same Trowa he once knew from his stance and air. For some reason Wufei appreciated that even more in this moment because he just now realized it was there. He watched with quiet anticipation as Trowa traversed the wire with expert grace as he flipped dipped and spun. There was a long suspenseful pause in the middle at which time Trowa caught a glance of Wufei.

"Wufei? What is he doing here? Well this his is colony cluster after all… But the at the circus? Who would have imagined… Maybe he wants to talk to me about something? If I see him after the show I'll talk to him but I won't go looking for him. I don't think he's the type who likes to be looked for. That's why he's here." Trowa rationalized in his mind as he went on with his act.

"Was he looking at me just then? Then did he realize it was me?" Wufei wondered as he clapped with the rest of the crowd as Trowa finished with his deep gracious bow. After the show Wufei filed out of the tent slowly and snuck around to the back. From a distance he saw Trowa pulling off his white ruffled gloves while he looked down at the ground. He started to approach but a girl stepped between as he prepared to step forward.

"And our flares go unnoticed/ Dimminished, faded just as soon as they are fired/ We are, we are, intrigued. We are, we are, invisible/ Oh, how we've shouted, how we've screamed,

Take notice, take interest, take me with you/ But all our fears fall on deaf ears."

"You did great again tonight as usual Trowa." She mused hugging him.

"Thanks Catherine." He replied quickly and gently stepped around her. He caught Wufei's face in time to see it twist into defeat as he turned and walked away. Trowa simply nodded and smirked slightly as he turned to go change.

"Something wrong Trowa?" Catherine asked again as she followed behind him.

"I'm just thought I saw an old friend is all. I think I might go pay him a visit." He replied in his usual mysterious voice that always seemed to produce more questions in one's mind then it answered. "Don't wait up I could be awhile. We have a lot of catching up to do. I'll meet up in time for the next show though." He went on as he disappeared behind a curtain door.

"Trowa… A year later and you're still being mysterious… When are you ever going to tell me everything? When are you going to tell me how you feel about me?" Catherine sighed to herself as she walked away.

Wufei charged into his apartment and slammed the door behind him. He ripped his jacket off and threw it across the room to land where it would and be left there. He quickly crossed to the table and grabbed the bottle of sake and a shot glass; after a second thought he chucked the glass across the room and listened to it shatter against the wall. He roughly twisted the bottle open and when it met his lips he threw his head back to consume it as fast as possible. With the contents drained he threw the empty vessel across the room and listened to it shattered against the wall. Still dissatisfied with how he felt he stumbled into the nearby kitchen and pulled another bottle out of a cupboard and ripped it open as he stumbled into the living room.

"What was I thinking?! What was I looking for by going there? What did I want? What did I expect a warm hug and a hello Wufei long time no see buddy?! What was I thinking?!" He exclaimed before tipping the bottle back and consuming as much he could in one breath. The room began to spin as his poison of choice hit his bloodstream at an alarming speed and potency from the sheer amount he had consumed in so short a space. He dropped to his knees and stared at the floor which was becoming closer and closer for some reason. Suddenly his face was against and t was very hard to keep his eyes open…

"Memories consume/ Like opening the wound/ I'm picking me apart again/ You all assume/ I'm safe here in my room/ Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one/ The battles always choose/ 'Cause inside I realize/ That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for/ Or why I have to scream/ I don't know why I instigate/ And say what I don't mean/ I don't know how I got this way/ I know it's not alright/ So I'm breaking the habit/ I'm breaking the habit/ Tonight"

Trowa looked down at the address he had sprawled down from the colonies residential database. Sometimes it was handy still being able to hack into a computer. He glanced up at the address on the building and walked in when he confirmed it was correct. He climbed the stairs to the appropriate floor and walked slowly past doors glancing at the numbers until he found the right one. He knocked gently on the door a few times then stood waiting for a response; when he received none he knocked again. "Wufei! It's Trowa feel like talking?" He said quietly.

"You may well leave him alone." A woman said as her head popped out of the door next door. "I don't think the kid's having a good night. He was throwing glass around not to long ago. If ya really want to go on in he never locks the door." She added before disappearing behind the closing door. Trowa gripped the doorknob and turned it slowly as he gave a gentle nudge. Sure enough the door opened slightly and he called in again.

"Wufei it's Trowa! Are you here? I'd like to talk to you if you don't mind." He opened the door a little more and stuck his head in. That's when he noticed the other boy passed out on the floor. A bottle of sake in his right head and leaked all over the floor and diluted the stains of blood left by broken skin from broken glass. He shook his had slowly as he walked over and gave Wufei a nudge. "Get up Wufei. Come on wake up this is no place for you." He received no reply still. "Well you're still alive." He sighed carefully picking him up and carrying him to his bedroom. While he slept Trowa carefully set about picking tiny shards of glass out of his arms, hands and face. After bandaging him up carefully Trowa took up a spot in front of the window staring out over the colony's nightscape beyond. Wufei didn't come to until the next morning as light poured through the open blinds into his face. He glared at the window contemptuously as if his look would make the blinds close. His menacing look faded as he caught sight of Trowa standing there with the light flooding around him. It took a few moments for it to register in his mind the boy at the window wasn't an angel. Although, even after coming to the conclusion he was mortal, something in Wufei's long stifled heart told him the boy at the window was more than just a mortal boy.

Trowa spun around when he heard Wufei groaning to sit up straight. So you're awake." He commented moving from the window and helping Wufei to sit up straight.

"Why are you here?" Wufei groaned as he held his head and traced the paths of bandages on his face.

"I saw you at the show last night but you left before we could talk. I looked up your address and came over so we could do so. You're quite lucky you know. You could have got a piece of glass in your eyes and gone blind." He responded in his usual indifference as he offered the black-haired boy a glass of water and some aspirin.

"Thanks for your cheer right now it's so well received…" Wufei snapped irritated. "Really thanks for helping me." He added after a few quite minutes.

"It's all right. You know you really should find a new hobby besides this." He went on holding up a bag of empty sake bottles.

"You dumped on of them?" Wufei responded coldly; Trowa nodded. "Good."

"You know maybe you should try dating. You know find someone to fill the loneliness or get a job to fill your sense of purpose." Trowa suggested setting the bag back on the floor.

"Do you honestly think I'm worthy of any girl out there? I'm nothing but a weak coward that has to run away from my problems through alcohol instead of facing them." He answered quietly as he stared at the glass of water in his lap.

"Everyone has a dark side Wufei. A side they aren't proud of that they try to deny and hide from everyone else. A side they don't even want to see or they can't handle. So when you ask if you're worth of anyone, you should really be wondering is anyone really worthy of anyone else? It shouldn't be a matter of is this person better than me but is this person any worse? And if they are, what can I do to help them change? When you want to take their dark side and make it part of their whole that's how you know you really care about someone." He replied standing up from the stool he had been sitting on a grabbing the bag of empty bottles.

"Trowa… Do you have a dark side?" Wufei wondered still not looking up at him.

"Of course and one day someone will help me change it to my whole." He responded matter-of-factly.

"Do you think there's any way anyone could change my dark side and make me whole?"

"I can think of a few things right away. One of which I've already done. So what does that tell you Wufei?"

"What do you mean?" Wufei wondered snapping his head up; Trowa had already left the room. "Trowa!" A moment later he heard the apartment door close. "Trowa…"

"Maybe one day I can help you become whole… Right now you need to help yourself… Do the right thing Wufei." Trowa thought as he stared up at the window of Wufei's bedroom from the street below. "I'd like to see you around a little longer."

"You're worth so much/ It'll never be enough/ To see what you have to give/ How beautiful you are/ Yet seem so far from everything/ You're wanting to be/ You're wanting to be

Tears falling down again/ Tears falling down

You fall to your knees/ You beg, you plead/ Can I be somebody else/ For all the times I hate myself?/ Your failures devour your heart/ In every hour, you're drowning/ In your imperfection"

Wufei spent the next week straight in his room staring at the ceiling for hours on end. "What did he mean by all that?" He would wonder over and over again. "Was he trying to tell me something?" He finally pried himself out of bed when he realized what it was he had lost. He had lost himself these last six months. He had lost that fire and spark that had once defined him as Wufei Chang. It wasn't the battles or reasons he was fighting that made him who he was; it was the fact that he had fought and he had fought for his own reasons. Reasons that weren't entirely selfish as he may have thought. He wasn't fighting to try and find himself; he had himself all along and never realized it! But now… Now he had lost it once again and he didn't know how to get himself back again.

"Trowa… That's what he meant… I have to find Trowa…" He threw on some clean clothes and took off out of his apartment towards where the circus had been set up the week before. He spent the next three days asking anyone and everyone he could think of for information on its whereabouts but no one could say. Even the spaceport station wasn't sure where they were exactly since the group and broke up and went three different directions for the Christmas holiday. Defeated, Wufei returned to his sterile white apartment and sat down on his couch. He was back where he started, lost in himself staring at the ceiling for answers that weren't there.

"Was it perfection that you've wanted/ It always added up to be your fall to your mistake/ You've wanted it to be inside your worst belief/ Was it another thing you started/ It always added up to be your fall to your mistakesYou've want it to be his voice that calls your name/ And I'm sorry for all those things in me/ And when I don't care I know you're always there/ I just wanted to get this started"

Another week pasted as Wufei stared at the ceiling for hours on end as the days ran together. For some reason his eyes were drawn to the calendar on the wall and he guessed what day it was. The day before Christmas eve he figured and pulled himself off the couch. "I should get Trowa something." He comment lazily as he stretched. "I guess I sort of owe. It's stupid though I don't know if and when I'll see him again." He shrugged and pulled his jacket off a half dead tree in the corner and headed out. He walked through the crowds of last minute shoppers and past the lines of neatly arranged display windows. He ducked into one store just to get out of the cold for a bit and walked around slowly looking things over while he regained felling in his fingers and toes. He spotted a glass tiger standing bold proud and true on one of the higher shelves and felt compelled to buy it for Trowa; so he did and had it wrapped in plain red paper with no ribbon. He just placed a card baring his name on top as ornamentation.

With his bag in hand he hurried out of the store and back on to the bustling streets. He held the bag defensively under one arm as he soldiered on through the crowds back toward his apartment. He stood at a corner waiting to cross the street and as the cars and crowds cleared he caught a sight of something he didn't expect, the profile of Trowa's head sitting at a window table of a small café off to his right. He forgot all about home and dashed off to the café to present his gift to the boy he felt he owed so much. He hurried into the café only to find that when he got to the table Trowa had been sitting at it was empty of a diner. On the table though, in clear view, was a room key to a hotel not far from there. Wufei picked it up and went after Trowa to return it and thus count them even.

It didn't take long for him to find the hotel and he marched inside figuring that he should be able to catch Trowa before he went down stairs to get a new key. He didn't seen his former comrade anywhere on the floor his room was on and he stood by the door for several long minutes before going back down by the elevators to wait. Still no Trowa. "Did he already have another key?" Wufei wondered as he made his way back towards the room. "I'll just knock on the door and se if he's in there to give it to him. He may not have even came back here after he ate." He reasoned as he knocked gently on the door.

"Trowa it's Wufei!" He called in a friendly tone.

"Come on in Wufei I know you can let yourself in…" Was the answer he received. Wufei's eyes shot open and he took a step back at the comment.

"What… How did he… Know?" Wufei wondered as his mind raced with a thousand different scenarios. "I guess I'll never know if I don't go in." He slow pulled the card through the slot and turned the handle when the green light blinked on. The room beyond was so dark that he couldn't even make out Trowa's figure against the walls. "Trowa?"

"Do me a favor and flip the second switch on the wall by the door. I've been here for a week and I decorated for Christmas. I want to see how the lights look." Trowa responded in his usual tone. Wufei obeyed and multi-colored light flooded the room immediately. In it Wufei found the top of Trowa's head resting against the side of the bed as he stared out the window. "I've been waiting for you to figure it all out."

"What are you talking about?" The other boy wondered disturbed as he sat the bag and the key down on the floor. He walked towards the bed slowly as Trowa made his explanation.

"You understand what you're dark side is now so I can help you become whole…"

"But I thought you said…" The black-haired play went on with a shaky voice. He saw brown hair flutter up and down as he nodded slowly. He finally stepped around the bed and saw all of Trowa and was shocked. Trowa was bound from head to toe in tightly wrapped, thick and sturdy looking red ribbon; on his chest was a carefully placed over-sized silver bow. Wufei took a step back into a chair and stared back at he vulnerable boy sitting on the floor. "What makes you think I'd think you'd be worthy of me? For that matter what makes you think I'd swing that way to begin with?" He wondered after a few moments of long silence. Trowa smirked slightly a laughed a bit but never looked up at him as he responded.

"You came all the way to the door to bring the key back… Besides… I was hoping you'd make me worthy of you." Wufei simply nodded slightly absent-mindedly as he slid off the chair to his knees on the floor. Is was it… Trowa was going to make him whole again and fill that void he had given himself.

"This house is echoing/ With the sound of you knocking at the door/ But with three locks/ And the shades down/ You are easy to ignore/ I put you on like an old pair of shoes/ I've put you off, but now I need You

Why, this love that never leaves me/ Why are you holding me tonight/ Can't deny this love that is given me/ Why, this love will never leave

You're a good strategy when I need one/ An angle when there is none/ Like a doormat/ That always says welcome/ No matter how much dirt I rub on/ But when I am tired and run through/ Look over this hill, I'm running to you

Why, this love that never leaves me/ Why are you holding me tonight/ Can't deny this love that is given me/ Why, this love will never leave"

Wufei woke up on his stomach hanging half over the edge of the bed. He glanced over and saw Trowa sprawled out with his legs across his own as his arms dangled off the bed. He couldn't help but smile at the sight as he remembered the task of unwrapping all the damn ribbons the night before. He could still trace the path some of them had cut in his back. He shifted over and traced the lines gently with a finger. Trowa shivered and slowly started to wake up. His eyes met Wufei's and he smiled slightly as he crawled off of him. It was clear to both of them that words weren't necessary here.

Trowa stayed wrapped up in a blanket before disappearing into the bathroom to take a shower. Wufei sat on the edge of the bed staring through the crack in the blinds in front of him. "Why is he here? Why am I here?" He wondered to himself as he spun around and sprawled across the bed. "Is this really what I want… And what I need? If it isn't… Why do I feel… This good… About everything." He laid there staring at the ceiling, but this time it was with look of contentment. It was like he was trying to thank all those ceilings he had stared at in search of answers. Trowa wandered out of the bathrooms toweling off his brown hair. "Say just how do you get your hair to do what you always do to it?" He wondered rolling on his side and looking up at his companion.

"That my friend… Is a secret no one shall ever know." Trowa smirked in response. Wufei laughed and shook his head as he got up to take his own shower. Sure enough when he got out his companion's hair was perfectly place as it always was and there was no sign around the room of how it could stay like it was. He having nothing to do his hair with left it down for the first time in months if not years. "You should leave your hair like that more often." Trowa commented as he moved towards the door. Wufei was taken by the comment but quickly recovered when he realized Trowa was leaving. He stood there in his towel questioningly.

"Where are you going?" Trowa stopped his pursuit of his jacket and looked at Wufei. He didn't seem the least bit surprised by the question.

"I need to get Catherine a Christmas present I owe her for a lot over these past three years and well last year I missed Christmas with her." He explained lightly as he went back to putting his jacket.

"Then you're leaving after you find her something?" Wufei asked defeated.

"Probably." Trowa responded griping the door handle. "There's something on the table that might be of interest to you." Wufei spun around and stared wide-eyed at a medium sized box wrapped up on the table. When he turned back around Trowa was gone. He got dressed and sat down at the table staring at the box for a long time. He finally reached for it and tore off the paper. When he pulled back the lid he found a note that he read several times to check that it said what he thought.

"Now you've seen the dark side I covered with this mask. I guess that means I don't need it anymore… See you next time Fei." He read aloud at last as he peered down into the box. Sure enough in the bottom of the box was the half mask that Trowa wore during his circus performances. He slowly placed the note back in the box and slid the lid back on. He grabbed it up along with his bag as he left the hotel room disheartened and depressed. On his way home he stopped at a liquor store and bought vodka and sake; this time he was going to be sure to finish the job. He carefully laid the bag with the tiger and the box with the mask on the table and looked at them for a moment. It had occurred to him he hadn't given Trowa his present but for some reason it seemed so stupid now. He'd leave it as it was; no point in returning it if he wasn't going to be around tomorrow anyways. He collapsed on the couch and pulled a bottle of vodka out of the brown paper bag from the liquor store.

"The worst is over now and we can breathe again/ I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away/ There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight/ I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open/ And I don't feel like I am strong enough/ 'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome/ And I don't feel right when you're gone away"

"This time you won't be around when I wake up will you?" He commented staring at the bottle's label forlorn. "Will I ever be worthy of you?" The phone rang just has he reached to open the bottle. He stared at it hanging on the wall as it rang again. Slowly, he pulled himself off the couch and walked over to it. "Hello?"

"What did I tell you about your destructive hobbies?" It was Trowa; Wufei gasped slightly in shock.

"How?"

"A hunch."

"Aren't I good enough for you?"

"I said see you next time didn't I?"

"When is next time…"

"When fate allows Wufei. Until then find a new hobby to keep you occupied." The phone went dead and Wufei hung it up with a slight smile on his face. He suddenly he started laughing wildly.

"Find a new hobby he says. Easy for him! He didn't use me and then go running back to her!"

"Trowa?" Catherine wondered as she came up behind him and rested her hands on his shoulders. "Are you all right? You've been really distant lately and you've hardly talked to me since Christmas. For that matter you never even told me where you went." She said worriedly as she gently squeezed his shoulders.

"It's nothing Catherine don't worry about it." He responded in his usual tone. He continued to stare out over some unknown river on Earth as the sun set and put it into an orange fiery blaze.

"Now it must be something. You haven't acted like this in a long time!" She went on sitting down next to him on the broken concrete ledge. "Would you at least look at me?" Trowa turned and looked her square in the eyes and she gasped. "You were with someone else while you were gone weren't you?!"

"I was…" He responded looking away slowly and without remorse.

"Trowa! How could you?!" She gasped bolting to her feet and running away distraught. "You knew how I feel about you!" She screamed as she ran.

"So is this it Wufei? Is this how you feel? Like only someone like you can understand you? I guess I really understand it now… Sometimes you have to lose something of value to know what worth really is…" He got up and lifted his gaze to the stars. "I don't suppose you'd take me now though would you?"

"There's always something in the way/ There's always something getting through/ But its not me/ It's you/ It's you

Sometimes ignorance rings true/ But hope is not in what I know/ It's not in me/ It's in you/ It's in you

It's all I know/ It's all I know/ It's all I know

I find peace when I'm confused/ And I find hope when I'm let down/ Not in me, me/ In you/ It's in you

I hope to lose myself for good/ I hope to find it in the end/ But not in me, me/ In you/ In you

It's all I know/ It's all I know/ It's all I know"

---------- ---------- ----------

Tracklist:  
1. Story of the Year - "So far So Good"  
2. Dashboard Confessional - "Several Ways to Die Trying"  
3. Linkin Park - "Breaking the Habit"  
4. Skillet - "Imperfection"  
5. Number One Gun - "Starting Line"  
6. Bethany Dillon - "Why"  
7. Seether ft. Amy Lee - "Broken"  
8. Switchfoot - "You"


End file.
